I bid one club. Did you hear that, Pierce?
I know what that means. You wanna know what I got.
- Pierce. - Reading from left to right, I have...
- Winchester, get a deck and start warming up. - I can play from here.
- Your bid, Mr. Pak. - One club to me. I bid one no-trump.
[Speaking Korean, Chuckles]
- Well, you got 'em on the run now, Pierce. - Your bid, swifty.
I'm reminded of a story. You've probably heard it.
The king and queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs.
Their son, Jack, remarked how strange it was that they only had two hearts between them.
And just then, his sister, Little Deucey, and her dog, Trey...
started singing... ## [Show Tune]
Whereupon the whole family beat her to death and buried her with two spades.
- Did you get it? - Everybody did.
- Well, I didn't. What do I bid? - [All] Two clubs.
No prompting, please. I bid two clubs.
[Man On P.A.] Attention all personnel. Ambulances on their way.
Maintenance crews remove all drunks from the middle of the road.
You guys are lucky. We had a grand slam going.
- We got one coming. - Bridge night. It never fails.
Until next week, gentlemen. Same time, different partners.
- [Chattering] - Shrapnel in his thigh. Superficial.
Doc, could you check on my friend Elverson over there? He's hit bad.
Sure. We always take requests.
Look at this. He could start his own scrapyard. I'll take him first.
Unconscious. Pupils fixed and fairly dilated.
- No sense wasting time on him. - Wait. What?
Wait a second. Wait a minute. Let me see that.
Charles, he shows some pupil reaction.
Could be a subdural hematoma. It's worth putting in a bur hole.
I'll take him first. Put him ahead of him.
Pierce, you can drill until you hit oil.
- It will do no good. - Thanks for the encouragement.
- O.R. And step on it. - How dare you contradict me!
Hey, hold it. He's a Commie. That's North Korean.
- What's he doing ahead of my buddy? - Dying.
That... person has no right to go into O.R. First, particularly ahead of one of ours.
Charles, when they come in here, the uniforms come off.
We can save him if we get him in there right now.
What's going on here? That gook tried to kill us, and now you're gonna save him?
Yeah, the whole thing's ridiculous, isn't it?
[O.R. Chatter]
Wipe. Keep that suction up.
Somebody fix this damn light so I can see.
Is it possible, Pierce, that your two-hour detour into North Korea...
has vitiated your efficiency with other patients?
- Quiet, Winchester. - Shoehorn a little tight, Achilles?
I don't usually take sides, but quiet, Winchester.
Lucky you. You'll be at Captain Hunnicutt's table.
Steady nerves. Great hands. And best of all, he's a surgeon.
- Anybody but that Commie lover. - Paging Dr. Pierce.
Good to see you again, comrade.
- Not letting him work on our boys, are you? - Put him under, Margaret.
Okay. Just close your eyes and breathe deep.
- Hey. My buddy better not die on account of you. - Keep that thing over him.
I'm trying to, Doctor, but he's got an awfully big mouth.
You guys are so high and mighty. You sit back here.
- You're playing God. You don't care. - Somebody shut him up.
Yeah, shut me up. Go ahead. So I won't tell anybody how you save your gook friends!
- Hold that. Hey! - Pierce!
I don't have to take that kind of garbage.
Now shut your mouth before I come over and clamp it shut!
Pierce, get back there.
Put him under already. Hawk, what's the matter with you? Get back in your corner.
Pierce, there goes your Good Conduct Medal.
Aw, pony pucks.
Don't you knock when you enter a room?
- Flagg, how did you get in here? - That's classified.
- Radar! - Yes, sir?
- Hey! I was just sitting... How did you get in here? - Not from above.
Let's talk about your camp, Potter.
And don't play dumb. You're not as good at it as I am.
What is it this time, Flagg? Fluoride in the soup?
- I think I'd better leave. - Freeze, Mr. Vatican. Nobody goes till I do and I never do.
You've got a wounded North Korean officer here, and you failed to report it.
- Oh, no, no. We did report it. - You mean I worked over my informant for the fun of it?
- Oh, my Lord! - Good cover, but who are you?
Never mind. I'll get to you in a minute. You... get out.
- Thank you, sir. - I understand your Captain Pierce...
- saved that pinko's miserable skin. - Not to mention his life.
And that was his big mistake. Now I wanna question both of them.
Flagg, you don't go near anyone without my permission.
- What's this? - Your permission.
- Right. - I'll be around. So will you.
Quick, who sang "Toora, Loora, Loora" in Going My Way?
- Uh, Bing and Barry. - Okay.
You're clear... for now.
Well, that's counterintelligence if I ever saw it.
How's that patient I almost put in the hospital?
- Fine. You can't talk to him. - I won't even raise my voice.
I know. You want to apologize for yelling at him, for being unprofessional.
- It'll just cause trouble. - You have a lot of faith in me, don't you?
Better let me tell him for you. My thermostat's set lower than yours.
- In other words, I can't handle myself? - I thought I just said that.
- Must be wonderful being as perfect as you. - I didn't say that.
I just mean it wasn't necessary for you to have blown up at him the way you did.
Sure. You would've gone over and thanked him for the kind words.
You want me to apologize for being more rational than you are?
[Long Exhale] Excuse me. I feel a tantrum coming on.
- Pierce. - [Gasps]
I'm gonna give you a chance. Why did you do it?
- Oh, I don't know. Why does anybody do it? - Now you've done it.
Well, you'll have to clean it up. I'm in a hurry.
I've got you dead to rights, Ivan. You saved that Commie crumb-bum. Why?
- Well, it was something to do. Besides, he was dying. - I'm on to you, Pierce.
Now you took a yellow Red before a white American, which is pretty pinko.
- You're even boring in technicolor. - You're a Communist dupe.
I've waited a long time for this. You're mine. Your butt is in my sling.
All right. Take me, I'm yours.
I knew it. You're one of those too.
When I dig up the proof, real or otherwise, that you're the traitor I know you are...
then I'll know it and you'll know it too.
It was nice talking to you again.
What is this? It looks like quicksand.
It is. A fly just walked on it and sank.
- I threw it a noodle, but it was too late. - Gentlemen.
- May I join you? - You can't charm your way back into my heart, Charles.
- Have a seat. - Always the peacemaker.
Pierce, I see no point in holding a grudge.
As chief surgeon you did what you felt was best.
- I can appreciate your motives. - Well, thank you, Charles. For that, I'll give you my food.
If he'll swallow his pride, he'll swallow anything.
You know, you probably were right to take the North Korean over the American.
If the North Korean had died, you would merely have been a fool.
If the American had died, you would have been a scoundrel.
Since they both lived, you are the lucky stiff.
- Up, Charles. - Mm?
Get up. Up, over and out.
I have had a long, miserable day and the last thing I need is your Boston bull.
- So beat it! - And this is how you accept an apology?
Out! Out!
Wanna go over and make up with that guy in post-op now?
[Flagg] Major?
Major.
Not funny, whoever you are.
Whoever I am is me, Colonel Flagg.
Hello. Good-bye.
Hold it, Major. Don't make me make you listen to this.
- Aren't you the tyrant. - I've got a proposition.
Pierce is hiding something.
Find out what it is, and name your price.
One, you cannot afford my price, and two, what are you talking about?
Don't kid with me. I have no sense of humor.
You could've fooled me.
Pierce is the rottenest apple in this sleazy barrel.
I've always thought he was a Communist sympathizer...
and this business with the North Korean proves that he's a Comm-symp or worse.
Problem is I don't have the proof.
You're his bunky, get it.
For a man with no sense of humor, you are awfully funny.
Do you believe that I can break your leg with this finger?
Strangely enough, l-l-I do.
Bright boy.
Uh, Colonel, the very notion of Pierce being a spy...
let alone a sympathizer, is absurd.
Pierce has a big mouth; he's always butting into other people's business...
but that makes him obnoxious, not a spy.
Doesn't wash. I'm obnoxious and I'm a spy.
- Touche. - Someone's coming. See who it is.
Just a couple of nurses. They appear to be American. Shall we... tail them?
Colonel? Col... Colonel?
Shh.
Of course...
you are undercover.
I've checked up on you. Fact: You want out of Korea.
Fact: Everybody does.
Cooperate with me and I'll get you out.
Thank you, Tin Man. I'll get to Tokyo on my own.
- I meant to Boston. - Mass... Massachusetts?
Ft. Devens, 9:00 to 5:00. Make that 4:30.
And then it's home every evening to Wellesley...
where you still live with your mom and dad and your sister Honorrhea.
- That's Honoria, and how did you know... - It's my business.
- In or out? - Boston.
Well, I guarantee you that Pierce is no spy...
but if all you want are a couple of his innocent letters... why not?
Winchester, you're a real American... so far.
It's a pleasure doing business with you.
I'm going to talk to Colonel Potter now about getting you better quarters.
[Man] See you later.
What is that?
Pierce.
How do people...
Eureka!
"Dearest Hawkeye, That idyllic weekend in Bangor"...
[Chuckles] "Cozy fireplace, fur rug...
warm hands, warm bodies drawing ever closer..."
- Charles. - Pierce.
- Pierce! [Nervous Chuckle] - A love letter?
This? No, it's just financial stuff.
Right. A love letter. Testing, one, two, three. Testing.
Calling all cars. Come in, Dick Tracy.
Don't do that for my benefit, Pierce. I'm already convinced that you are mad.
Not mad, justifiably paranoid.
It's called the "Flagg Syndrome."
Whenever that guy shows up around here, I start looking for hidden microphones.
Aren't you exaggerating just a wee bit?
He may be a mite overzealous, but he's no Mata Hari.
That guy would turn in his own mother for passing along a recipe.
- Don't like the fella, do you? - I've never been too fond of a guy who would bring you...
a wounded prisoner and beg you to fix him up, so he could take him out and shoot him.
- That bad, hmm? - I don't see anything here.
I think I'll go sing Carmenin the latrine. The echo will kill him.
[Laughs]
Hey, Doc, can I talk to you?
I wouldn't be surprised. From what I hear, I'm really a terrific guy.
Hey, listen, when I'm evac-ed tomorrow, I want you to fix it so my buddy goes with me.
Basgall, I can fix anything from flat tires to poodles. But that's out of my hands.
- He's Hawkeye Pierce's patient. - That's what I'm worried about. See...
I want him taken care of by someone who's gonna take care of him.
Look, whether you like it or not, Pierce saved your friend's life.
Oh, sure... when he got around to it. Thanks to my pushing him.
[Exhales] Basgall, listen to me.
Captain Pierce is just about the best surgeon we've got in this place.
What he says is right for Elverson is right. You're going to have to believe that.
You guys all stick together, don't ya?
- Lights out, soldier. - Hey, wait a minute. That's my line.
Don't you know these things are bad for you?
Oh, that poor cigar.
Winchester, you're 12 seconds late.
Oh, Colonel Flagg. Sorry, didn't recognize you without your garbage can.
- Don't you have a dark one for evening? - Did you bring me something?
Yes, I did. My resignation.
I will criticize Pierce. I will ridicule him. I will even humiliate him...
- but I will not spy on him. - You won't do it?
- Gad, what intuition. - Then he's your friend?
Friend? I have no friends in Asia. Only in Newport.
A few in Martha's Vineyard.
Winchester, you don't seem to recognize the gravity of this situation.
At this point, if Pierce is tried and you haven't proven noncomplicity with him...
by complying with me, you'll be tried for complicity with him.
- You wouldn't dare. - You'll just disappear.
Ten years from now, Mummy will be sitting in Newport trying to remember who you were.
No more Boston. No more chowder. No more Red Sox.
- Who cares about the Red Sox? - No more money.
- I believe you'd do it. - For laughs.
All right. I'll try and find you something, and I hope you choke on it.
You're a real weasel. I knew I could count on you.
Come in.
No, you don't understand, Basgall. We're supposed to make the rounds.
I won't beat around the bush, Doc.
Either Elverson is evac-ed with me tomorrow, or I put you away now.
- You make your choice. - Um, I gotta warn you.
I'm very bad at snap decisions.
How about a third alternative? Your going back to bed leaps to mind.
- I'm not kidding! - [Mutters]
I don't want you around him.
Look, I've talked to you doctor to patient.
Now I'm going to ask you nicely, captain to corporal. Get back to post-op before we're both sorry.
What do I have to do to convince you?
You don't care about us. If you did, you would've taken him ahead of that North Korean.
Now this time, we're gonna do it my way and quick!
Basgall! What the hell do you think you're doing? I oughta break your neck!
Beej, hold it! Hold it!
- Basgall, I'm sorry. - I want out of here.
- Here. Here, let me help you. - No! I'll make it by myself.
- Hey, Goldman. Get him to post-op. - Yes, sir.
[Blows Out Forcefully]
Well. [Exhales Loudly]
- I notice I don't practice what I preach. - Yeah, and thank you.
Major, how's the North Korean doing?
Well, his condition is stable, but I'm afraid he's still not out of danger.
In other words, he could answer some questions?
Colonel, much as I admire your work...
I'm afraid I cannot let you bother him.
Doctor, I don't need your permission.
Sometime we must talk about your toilet training.
Look at him. Resting comfortably in an American cot.
By all rights, he should be dead.
Well, we... [Short Chuckle] Can't lose them all.
All right, Red Rover. Lie at attention.
Start taking notes, four-eyes.
We'll start with something simple.
Name, troop number, infantry division and where they're located.
I don't think he understands you, sir.
He understands. They all do.
All right, comrade.
Here's the story.
You give me what I need... I'll give you what you need.
Hey! Now wait just a minute!
Hey, listen, I don't care who you are.
You can't... You can't come in here threatening someone's blood.
- Who's gonna stop me? - Well, uh, some-somebody.
Why don't you just shoo, Corporal? I'll handle this.
Yes, sir. Boy!
We would all appreciate it, Colonel, if you just stuck to thumbscrews.
Hello. What have we here?
That's for me... whatever it is.
Perhaps it's a note from his superiors excusing him from further questioning.
It's a diagram of a camp.
Looks like this camp.
There's a circle around my quarters.
Pierce's quarters.
Ah-so. A little rendezvous.
What's this at the bottom?
A circle with two arrows in it.
A... clock.
A clock.
10:00.
Yes, I think I can fit that into my schedule.
Not a word about this, you understand?
Who, me? I work for you, remember?
Talk about your nerve. He's even setting out refreshments.
Probably every stinking spy in the area will be here.
Is that the guy we nab?
You just arrest everybody who goes in that tent...
except us.
[Whistling] Hello there.
- Get down. - Hmm?
Oh, I see. You're staking out. Ha-ha-ha.
What fun! [Laughs]
- Winchester, there's no room. - Yes, there is.
- Let me tuck around here. - Be careful.
[Flagg] The guests of dishonor. Ever seen them before?
Yes, come to think of it, I have. A number of times.
- You know their names? - [Jeep Drives Away]
No, we've never been formally introduced.
Why don't we call them Mr. "X" and Mr. "Y"?
- [Flagg] It doesn't matter. They won't need names for long. - They're sitting down.
- All right. I'm convinced. - [Cocks Gun]
Let's move in. Hold it.
- Wh... It's Colonel Potter. - Caramba.
Mr. Big himself. The fish stinks from the head down.
I don't believe it.
We... We better wait and see if MacArthur shows up.
After tonight...
every kid in America will wish he were me.
Move out.
Watch it you two. You're asking for big trouble tonight.
- [Chuckling] - All right. Cards up, and drop those hands.
- What the Sam Hill? - I was going to ask who was dummy.
- Grab those cards. It's evidence. - [Speaking Korean]
- Speak English. - I'll speak English.
- What is this idiocy about? - Your spy ring.
- Spy ring? - Very clever.
Hiding under a house of cards while you plot the overthrow of the free world.
He's got us, guys. We might as well confess. I'm Joe Stalin.
Mao Tse-tung, Marshall Tito and you already know Lenin.
What can I say? We couldn't get a room in the Kremlin.
Oh, I'm sorry, Pierce. Didn't know you had company.
Colonel Potter, we go now.
Freeze, friend. This piece has a hair trigger, and I've got an itchy finger.
Flagg, put that thing down. I don't know how your nimble brain...
cooked up this goofy plot, but you just bought yourself a peck of trouble.
- Says the ringleader. - Do you have any idea who these two gentlemen are?
I'll get to that when I'm ready.
All right. Who are you?
- I am Doo Pak. - The Mayor of Ouijongbu.
And this is his baby brother, Hung Pak, Chief of Police.
Oh, that's right. I remember now. That's who they are.
Colonel, I think you've made a little mistake.
I never make little mistakes.
You're gonna lose your magic decoder ring for this one, Flagg.
Sorry, folks. Let's go.
We should've known. Another one of Colonel Flagg's red herrings.
It doesn't add up. I mean, that map. The evidence.
You of all people should know never to trust a North Korean.
Flagg, you'll pay for this, right through your twitchy nose.
I got a lot of big contacts at "l" Corps. They'll fix your wagon.
I see it now. This is bigger than all of you.
This is a major conspiracy, and I'll get to the bottom of this...
even if I have to go right to the top.
- [Potter] Flagg, you nut! - Colonel, now's our chance. Switch decks.
Get a light on!
- He's gone. - I don't think he was ever here.
- Just a bad dream we all had. - My apologies to both of you.
Can you imagine that rube thinking we were a spy ring?
- [Chuckles] - Charles, you didn't have anything to do with this?
Me? Not a chance. Wouldn't waste my time.
Unless, of course, I could get a good laugh out of it. [Snickering]
You did! You set him up! [Laughing]
- I don't get it. - The major will explain while he plays.
- While he plays? - That's right, Pierce.
- I want a partner with something up his sleeve. - Thank you, Colonel.
[Clears Throat] Gentlemen, it was an amazing story.
The moment I set eyes on Colonel Flagg, I knew what had to be done.
I had to find his weak spot. I did. Right above his neck.
- I'm telling you, B.J. Works for me every time. - I guess it's worth a try.
There's nothing so relaxing as whomping the daylights out of something.
Better some thing than some one.
It's easy once you get the rhythm. There, go ahead. Try it.
- Okay. - [Air Hissing]
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Father.
That's all right. Maybe you should try needlepoint.